Appendix A – Solo Soul Practices (You Need This)

Practice 1: Purpose in One Sentence

Try this template. Write down in your journal and date it: "With God, I help [who] do [what] by [how], so that [why]." Keep it rough but real. Put it where you decide things. Look at it monthly.

Practice 2: Boundaries/Water/Sun/Prune

Let's extend the soul-as-garden metaphor. Note that a healthy garden has:

• Fences (boundaries). The fences protect it from the weeds and critters that eat everything—comparison, mindless or doom-scrolling, and over-commitment.

• Water (practices). Daily touches of Scripture, prayer, silence, beauty, friendship.

• Sunlight (gratitude and joy). Notice and savor good gifts—laughter, bread, music, a clean sheet day.

• Pruning (letting go). Say no to what's overgrown. Graciously end things that aren't your thing for this season.

In your journal make four columns (Boundaries, Water, Sun and Prune). Fill each column with two actions that fit that column. Choose one action for this week. Put it on your calendar. Do another next week — "rinse and repeat" over the next several weeks.

The three depths of the soul (where you might be):

• On the Shoreline: easy access, noisy, busy. Good for quick joy. Not good for hearing God.

• Wading in shallows: some quiet, some clarity. You can think and feel here.

• In Deep water: slow, steady, sustaining. Here you sense God's love under the waves.

Many of us live at the shoreline. You don't have to jump right to the deep. Take one step: five minutes of midwater each day. Depth develops gradually.

A "Soul I Breathing" — Prayer for Depth (in case you need one):

• Inhale: "My good God—Anchor me in Your love."

• Exhale: "Lord—Let me live from the deep."

Practice 3: A Soul Health Check (quick, honest, helpful)

Rate each area below 1–10 (1 = running on fumes, 10 = thriving):

• Rest & margin

• Connection with God

• Living out meaning & purpose

• Relationships (mutual, honest, kind)

• Joy & gratitude

Now ask: Why did I choose those numbers? What one small practice would move me up one or two numbers this month?

Pick one. Just one. Your soul will thank you.

Practice 4: A Combination 30-Day Soul Reset (Field-Tested and Time-Proven)

Week 1 — Personal Practice:

• Practice "Spiritual Breathing" during your day

• Do a couple of "2-Minute Set-Downs" (AM & midday)

• Start a personal "Shutdown Ritual" (10 minutes at night)

• Track inputs to your Soul for the week and journal your results (awareness only)

Week 2 — Personal Order:

• Clarify your most important Values and Calendar them

• Start to manage your inputs: cut the bottom 20% that are timewasters (or just "junk food" for your mind)

• Try on one device-light/free evening

Week 3 — Personal Union:

• Several 20-minute visits with the Almighty just as a friend having a good conversation (not just requests—but real dialogue)

• Have some Conversational prayer specifically tied to habits you want to change or develop

• Take a couple of One hour beauty breaks: get out to a park, a gallery, listen to some uplifting music, go out and see the ocean, the sky, walk in the woods (whatever lifts you out of the ordinary). There is something you find beautiful close to where you live.

Week 4 — Personal Purpose:

• Write/Rewrite your 1-2 sentence purpose

• Do an act of secret generosity

• Share your purpose with a trusted friend (ask them to ask you about it periodically)

• Become aware of and journal fewer spikes of anxiety, clearer priorities, kinder tone at home, better sleep, and a steady sense of "being held."

1) The Yes/No Card

• Front: three big Yesses this season (e.g., abide with God, presence at dinner, deep work).

• Back: the NO that protects each (no phone at table, one evening out/week, calendar blocks).

Keep it in your wallet. Decide before you're pressured.

2) The Shutdown Ritual

When your day ends — write tomorrow's top 3 "to do's," close the laptop, say aloud, "Workday complete." Then do one playful, physical thing (walk, stretch, toss a ball). Your body cues your soul that you're off duty.

Appendix B – A Self-Love Tune Up

The following tools are designed to help you take what you've learned in the chapter on loving yourself and make it part of your daily life. Pick one or two you like or feel the need for and use them faithfully. This is not "make work" or just another checklist to judge yourself by, but pathways into freedom. Use the tool(s) that assist you the most or you find most practical for building your self-worth.

Tool #1: Start Keeping a Self-Love Journal

Each evening, take five minutes to answer one of these questions in a notebook or journal. This practice reshapes your inner dialogue. Over time, this daily reflection will retrain your inner voice to align with truth and grace.

• What words did I say to myself today? Were they kind or critical?

• Where did I offer myself grace today instead of condemnation?

• What truth from Scripture or affirmation did I hold onto today?

• How did I take one small step of growth today?

• Where did I notice God's love for me at work in my circumstances?

Write honestly. There are no wrong answers. The act of noticing is the act of healing.

Tool #2: Practice the Self-Love Growth Ladder

Four Rungs of the Ladder:

1. Awareness — I notice my inner dialogue and identify negative patterns.

2. Acceptance — I embrace that I am loved by God, flaws and all.

3. Affirmation — I speak truth over myself to replace old lies.

4. Action — I take consistent steps that honor my value and growth.

Place yourself honestly on the ladder this week. Which rung are you on most of the time? What's keeping you from climbing to the next one? Write one step you can take tomorrow to move upward.

Tool #3: Use the LOVE Framework Worksheet

Each day go through this mental checklist and keep notes on this worksheet or in your journal of your use for a week. At the end of a week, review and notice how your self-love is growing. Use this to bring the framework into daily practice:

• L — Listen: Write down one negative phrase you caught yourself saying today. Replace it with one life-giving phrase.

• O — Offer Grace: Describe one moment where you forgave yourself for a mistake instead of replaying it in shame.

• V — Value Identity: Write one verse or affirmation that describes your worth in God's eyes.

• E — Engage Growth: Record one small action you took to invest in yourself today (learning, resting, trying something new).

Over time, fill this page daily.

Tool #4: The 7-Day Self-Love Challenge

A practical tool to put the chapter into action.

• Day 1: Listen to your self-talk. Journal one critical phrase you heard and replace it with truth.

• Day 2: Offer yourself grace for one mistake. Record what happened and how you chose kindness instead of condemnation.

• Day 3: Write out your identity in Christ (e.g., I am beloved, I am redeemed, I am God's workmanship).

• Day 4: Take one growth step — big or small. Try something new, enroll in a class, or finish something you've been avoiding.

• Day 5: Repeat Day 1, deepening your awareness.

• Day 6: Repeat Day 2, focusing on quick grace.

• Day 7: Celebrate. Write a paragraph summarizing how you experienced self-love this week.

Rinse and repeat monthly!

5 Reflection Questions for Further Study

Every few days review one of these questions and reflect on them. Record your answers in your journal.

1. How has self-rejection shown up in your life (comparison, shame, perfectionism, neglect)?

2. What old messages or "verdicts" from childhood still shape your self-image?

3. Which rung of the Growth Ladder are you on most often? What would it take to climb higher?

4. Which step of the LOVE Framework challenges you the most? Why?

5. What would your life look like if you truly loved yourself the way God loves you?

Other Practices for Building Self-Love

1. Practical steps matter. Begin each day with a truthful affirmation: "I am God's beloved. I am His workmanship." Write it, speak it, believe it!

2. Keep a self-love journal. Each evening, write one way you treated yourself with love that day. It could be forgiving yourself for a mistake, speaking kindly to yourself, or resting when you needed rest. At the end of the week, read your list aloud.

3. Try this seven-day challenge. Day one, listen to your self-talk. Day two, offer yourself grace. Day three, affirm your identity in Christ. Day four, take a step of growth. Then repeat. By the end of a week, you will see progress.

Appendix C – The LUVE Approach: A Practical Tool for Communication with Anyone

In any serious attempt to really connect with someone — take a step back and ask yourself, "How can I be the most effective communicator possible? What do I need to learn to communicate as effectively as possible?" It's not something that we're born with. It is a skill set that is developed over time.

I'll share with you briefly here a practical tool that Dr. Carol Comfort came up with. It's taken from the "imago" dialogue technique first developed by Dr. Howard Hendricks. It's the key way to communicate on serious relational issues. And it is represented by the acronym spelled out L-U-V-E (catchy huh?). OK — pay attention here...

L — Listen

To listen attentively to another with no immediate need to respond, offer your opinions or extra input. To just listen—attentively. This type of listening creates "Empathetic Presence" — the act of being fully present with another person. Not just physically in the same room as them, but emotionally and mentally present with them focused on listening — not just hearing. This means that when you're engaged in a conversation with somebody, setting aside your own thoughts, beliefs, and judgments, and any distractions (and devices) that might be in the way of you really "seeking to understand" the other person—whether what you agree with what they are saying or not.

To be fully present with another person by listening intently to them when they're talking with you shows that you value and respect them. Even if you say nothing — If you want to be a better communicator, the first thing you need to do is to "put a sock in it" and find out where they are coming from in the item under discussion!

Attentive listening does this as it creates a safe space where the other person feels seen and heard. This is what most people want out of communication. They want to be seen, heard and understood. That's a basic human need everyone has — and when you give them this "gift" two things happen:

1. They relax their communication defenses, and

2. You build a social credit (I'll explain more about that in a minute).

So put distractions away to really listen for understanding. Make eye contact with the other person that's in front of you. Square up your shoulders with them. Lean in, nod and show that you're listening to them. Ask probing questions. Mentally clarify and separate the ideas you are hearing. If it helps write things down—Focus on them...

Then pause before responding immediately. Pausing like this does two things also:

1. It gives you a moment to really think about what has been said (and they recognize this). Practicing the wait time (that intentional pause before you speak) increases understanding, slows down reactivity within yourself and within them.

2. If you give someone extra space, and ask the question, "is there more", they'll usually continue to start talking again and they will go deeper and with more clarity themselves. And you'll get better detailed information because they went deeper (kind of like peeling back an onion). And here's an added "bene" — according to studies, this actually makes the other person feel smarter because they've been given more time to process.

According to Harvard Business Review, there was a study that found that people who felt attentively listened to by others were 80% more likely to report trust in psychological safety with that person. You build trust with the other person by listening this way. This equates to higher trust between parties (or couples) in dialogue.

Bottom line here is — Stop trying to be interesting and be interested instead. And if you do that, you will be a much better communicator, and other people will feel like you're a much better communicator.

U — Understand

Words convey the surface message, the nonverbal cues like body language and tone and facial expressions carry the emotional weight of the conversation. This is one of the reasons why media like emails and texts fall flat and are often misunderstood. The best at dialogue squarely face one another. Look at each other's faces and give each other nonverbal cues. Their heads nod. They say stuff like "yes", which is a verbal cue or "I get what you are saying" (even if they don't agree).

Give affirmative feedback — Feedback what you are hearing with head nods, and reflective phrases like, "So what you're saying is" or, "if I understand correctly,". Provide facial expressions acknowledging understanding. Paraphrase back what you heard to acknowledge that you've been listening, that you're present with them, and that you're understanding them. The phrase, "I get you!" is magical. It communicates "I'm listening. I understand. I'm here".

Remember—many people are starving in this world to feel like they are seen and heard and understood and that their emotions are valid. When someone feels truly understood, their cortisol (natural stress chemical) levels drop. Also, their Oxytocin (the love chemical) rises, and their nervous system starts to shift from threat- to trust- to relaxation.

V — Validate

This one is very, very important because so few people can effectively do this. And if you do it—people will want to communicate with you. In validating you don't have to agree with a person to say, "I understand you" or "I understand why you feel that way". You can have a completely different opinion or belief system. But you can say that you understand where they come from and why they believe what they say.

People are living in the reality of their own beliefs and experiences and how they're perceiving it. With validation you are not trying to persuade or change anybody's mind. By validating another person's feelings or experiences, you're not even necessarily agreeing with them. But you're acknowledging their perspective's legitimacy and not making them feel like they are crazy (which makes them defensive and not open to feedback or another point of view).

So, saying things like, "you know what? — I understand". Or "yeah, I can see where you're coming from" etc. All of those are validating another human because their perception is their reality. I stress the importance of validation because a lot of people don't want to validate. They want to just barge in and fix people or peddle their point of view too soon in dialogue.

We want to rush in and set people straight (according to us) versus just validating the other human. This is called the savior complex where you're like, "I'm just going to fix everybody". Your point of view may even be the more correct or appropriate one—but you need to earn a hearing for it. You do this by listening first and seeking to understand the other party and validating that they are not crazy from their point of view. Psychologist Dr. Marsha Linhan describes validation as recognizing and accepting another person's feelings, thoughts, and behaviors as understandable. That's it, just understandable.

When you validate someone, you reduce their emotional defensiveness because their nervous system no longer feels like it must fight to be heard. And so, a phrase like, "yeah, that makes sense," can be really disarming for another person. Once again, it doesn't have to be because you agree, but because you acknowledge how they got there.

So... instead of going in and trying to fix somebody and telling them, "hey, here's what I would do", maybe you ask them questions to give them a different perception so that they can start to come to new understandings for themselves and free themselves to discover new meanings, understandings, and solutions. The best therapists and coaches I know do this...

E — Empathy

Even if you don't agree with somebody, you can still listen to them, understand them, and validate them. They likely are doing their best with what they know and have. What you're trying to do effectively here is to have compassion and show some love for them as a person created by God to walk the earth —just like you.

Empathy is a most often understood kind of "mushy" word. Its true definition is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. In the Biblical sense, I would add with genuine concern and a loving spirit. Empathetic open-ended questions promote insight and ownership far more than giving advice to somebody. So instead of saying something like, "hey, here's what I would do" — you want to just ask questions like, "I understand where you are coming from now—how can I help or be of assistance?", or "What can I do to better the situation?" or "what do you need right now from me?" This kind of approach shows true empathy.

It shows people in dialogue with you that they are allowed to feel what they feel — and that you are not here to fix, improve, or bend them to your will — but that you have heard, understood and that they are allowed to believe and feel the way they do. That you are there to help, enable, contribute, and provide whatever you can to support the best and soundest approach to the subject under discussion.

Every human is basically asking two questions in every interaction. They're asking themselves, "Do you see me?" And number two, "Am I safe with you?" And when you communicate using the relationally intelligent L-U-V-E Approach to communication dialogue, the answer becomes yes to both questions.

If you use this dialogue process, you are doing two things:

1. You are reducing defensiveness and the tendency of the other to argue.

2. You are building a "social credit" — that is they "owe you one" — the opportunity to listen to you the same way you listened to them (the LUVE approach).

This allows the other person to tune their mental radio from "send" to "receive" so they can really hear you when it is your turn.

A side benefit, besides making a more effective collaborative communication exchange, is that you will be viewed as a good communicator and people will actually want to talk and engage with you. Now wouldn't that be a nice "rep" to have?

Appendix D – Grace Required People (GRP) Worksheet

Practicing Love When It's Not Easy

This exercise is about growth, not guilt. Every person both gives and needs grace. This worksheet helps you practice mature love with wisdom and emotional health.

Take a few quiet minutes. Write honestly. No one else needs to see your answers unless you choose to share them.

Step 1 — Identify a GRP

Think of one person who consistently stretches your patience or emotional capacity. This is not about labeling them as "bad," but recognizing where love feels difficult.

Write their first name or initials: ____________________

Step 2 — Clarify the Challenge

What specifically makes this relationship difficult for you? Is it tone, behavior, criticism, unreliability, disagreement, or past wounds?

Describe the challenge: ___________________________________________

Step 3 — Separate the Person from the Behavior

Try to describe the behavior without defining the person by it. (Example: Instead of "They are selfish," write "They often overlook others' needs.")

Reframed description: ______________________________________________

Step 4 — Remember Your Own GRP Moments

We are all GRPs in someone else's story at times. When have you needed patience, forgiveness, or understanding from others?

Write a brief reflection: ____________________________________________

Step 5 — Choose One Grace Action

Select one small, wise action you can practice this week.

Examples include:

• Speaking respectfully

• Refusing to gossip

• Offering calm communication

• Praying for their growth

• Setting a healthy boundary without hostility

My chosen grace action: ____________________________________________

Step 6 — Release the Outcome

You are responsible for your posture of love, not their reaction. Write this sentence below as a personal commitment:

"I am responsible for my love, not their response."

Closing Reflection

What might change in your heart if you practiced grace consistently in this relationship?

Grace-Required People are not interruptions to your growth — they are often part of how love matures in you.

Appendix E – Practices for Productive Dating

Practice #1: Start a TRUE LOVE Journal

From wherever you are starting from you can get and give the TRUE LOVE you want. Start by telling God (and yourself truthfully), in your own words, what you desire, where you struggle, and what you actually hope for. He already knows anyway—but it needs to be clear for you. This kind of "prayer" (frank honest conversation remember) is your agreement to stop pretending and get real. Write it down.

Next, write down in single sentences that will be true for you this week. Something like, "I want a relationship I will be proud of when I tell a story about it five years from now," or, "My body is not a bargaining chip; it is a reflection of who I am at my core," or, "Waiting for sexual intimacy will be a measure of my self-control." Put the sentence on your phone. Read it when your heart races and your judgment is running thin. Ask one trusted person to check in with you regularly—not to police you, but to occasionally ask you "how ya doin?" And to remind you who you are and what you are committed to.

Finally, if you are dating, speak respectful, and "gutsy" talk to the person you are seeing: "I want to build something real with you, and for me that means going slow with our bodies and deep with our words." Watch what that sentence reveals. Someone who is learning to love you will lean in. Someone who is learning to use you will fade out. Either way, you will have honored God—and yourself.

Practice #2: Use the G.R.A.C.E. Approach to Dating

By now you know that I am a fan of acronyms and other symbolic forms of memory formation. So, here's a practical one to provide you with guidelines for dating to hold you to your value of dealing with Agape in the dating scene (at no matter what age). I like the acronym GRACE because that's the way you are dating (graciously) when you use this approach. Here is what the letters stand for. To date graciously you want to be:

• G — Grounded in your core values — You approach dating with an awareness of what truly matters to you, holding to your beliefs about (Agape) love, faith, and integrity. This means not compromising your deepest values for fleeting pleasure or pressure but instead letting your convictions guide your choices and actions.

• R — Respectful of boundaries — You honor both your own boundaries and those of the person you're seeing. Recognizing that healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect, clear communication, and honoring limits without guilt or manipulation.

• A — Authentic in communication — Honest and transparent about your intentions, feelings, and expectations. This means speaking truthfully (gulp!), listening deeply, and honoring both your own voice and your partner's. By cultivating authenticity, you lay a foundation of trust that can withstand future challenges and nurture genuine human connection in your soul.

• C — Committed to discernment, not haste — You choose to take time to truly know the other person, allowing attraction to mature within a context of wisdom and patience. This approach values thoughtful decision-making over impulsive actions, ensuring that each step taken is aligned with personal values and long-term well-being.

• E — Expectant for God's Best — You remain hopeful and open to where God may lead, trusting that honoring these principles will guide you toward a relationship that enriches your soul and reflects your deepest values. You approach dating as a journey of discovery, believing that meaningful love grows out of mutual purpose and grace.

Take this in and commit to it. Review before any dating experience. And if you've got the guts — discuss this approach with someone you are dating seriously. Take it to heart and it will serve to guide you well.

Practice #3: Clarify Your Boundaries

When it comes to love, sex, and relationships, few words are as misunderstood—or as essential—as boundaries. Many people hear the word and think restriction, but God's boundaries are not about control; they're about care. They are fences that protect our hearts, not walls that imprison them.

Healthy boundaries make love safe, passion purposeful, and desire contained. They empower us to honor both our bodies and our beliefs. To make this practical, here's a simple, memorable tool — a guide and framework to help you live out relational and sexual integrity in a way that honors both God and yourself. The BOUNDARY Acronym provides more detail (for those that need it) on how to practically apply the GRACE model:

• B — Be Clear About Your Values — Before you can set a boundary, you must know what you stand for. Ask yourself: What do I believe about love, sex, and commitment? If your convictions are cloudy, your choices will be too. Clarity is the compass of your personal integrity.

• O — Own Your Choices — Boundaries are personal; no one else can set or keep them for you. We have the power of choice — the freedom to say yes or no. Take responsibility for your decisions without blaming others. Self-leadership is the foundation of your self-respect.

• U — Understand Your Triggers — Know what stirs desire, temptation, or emotional vulnerability in you. Dr. Caroline Leaf notes that awareness rewires the brain toward self-control and emotional regulation. Recognize environments, conversations, or habit patterns that compromise your values. Predetermine how you will handle yourself in these "Moments of Truth". Wisdom is not about denying your humanity—it's about directing it. When your (MOT's) come — make the better decision to act in a way that honors you and builds your self-respect.

• N — Navigate Relationships Wisely — In dating, friendships, or even courtships, not everyone who enters your life should have full access to your emotions or body. Jesus loved everyone, but He didn't give everyone equal access. There were circles of intimacy — the multitudes, the twelve, the three, and the One. Choose who belongs in which circle. Some people you are dating should probably just be friends, some activity companions – not all roads lead to committed relationships or marriage.

• D — Define Physical and Emotional Limits Early — Don't wait until you're emotionally invested or physically aroused to set limits. Decide early what's off-limits and communicate it clearly. Dr. David Stoop emphasizes that boundaries declared in calm moments are much stronger than those made in moments of passion. Respect grows where limits are mutual and prediscussed.

• A — Avoid Compromising Situations — Don't rely on your willpower alone. Scripture says, "Flee from sexual immorality". Avoid places, patterns, or settings (especially internet — "Junk food" and sleazy dive bars) that can lead to moral compromise. As John Eldredge writes in Wild at Heart, "Every man must guard the sacred within him, for once it's given away carelessly, it loses its strength." The same is true for women—don't squander or "waste your pretty".

• R — Reflect Regularly — Healthy boundaries require maintenance. Review your choices and relationships often. Keep a "dating log" in your journal of your thoughts and actions (and reactions). Are your actions aligned with your faith? Are you growing or drifting? Regular reflection keeps small compromises from becoming spiritual/emotional erosion. Journaling, prayer, or accountability with a trusted "thinking partner" can help you stay grounded.

• Y — Yield to the Holy Spirit — Ultimately, boundaries are sustained not by human discipline alone, but by divine direction. "Walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh". Yielding doesn't mean weakness — it means alignment. It's letting God's spirit guide your desires rather than being driven by them. When we surrender our passions — even eros — romantic and sexual love — becomes a reflection of His agape.

Boundaries are not barriers to love; they are bridges to deeper, more meaningful connection. They create the structure within which trust, respect, and passion can flourish without shame or regret. When both people in a relationship honor each other's boundaries, they experience freedom within form — a kind of personal safety that allows intimacy to deepen without fear of betrayal or misuse. Boundaries remind us that TRUE LOVE is not license. TRUE LOVE — God's kind of love — always protects - It protects your soul, your body, and your future.

A Practical Reflection Tool for Assessing Your Current Boundaries

Use this reflection exercise to help you assess where your boundaries are strong — and where they might need reinforcement. Journal your answers.

1. Do a Personal Values Audit

What are my top three convictions about love, sex, and commitment? Where did I learn them — from Scripture, experience, culture, or family? Are my current behaviors aligned with those beliefs?

2. Relationship Integrity Check

Am I consistently clear about what I will and will not do physically and emotionally? Do I communicate those boundaries early in relationships? Have I allowed emotions or chemistry to override my values?

3. Spiritual Alignment Review

In what ways am I inviting God (or not) into my dating or romantic life? How does my current relational behavior honor (or dishonor) Him? What new boundaries might He be calling me to strengthen?

4. Action Step

Write one specific boundary you will reinforce this week. Share it with a trusted mentor, friend, or accountability partner. Pray daily for the strength to honor it. "Rinse and repeat" this exercise periodically.

A Practical Self-Coaching Tool for Rebuilding Broken Boundaries

If you've crossed a boundary (yours or another's) or feel guilt or regret, know this: grace is always greater than failure. And repentance isn't punishment—it's realignment. Use this brief process to rebuild. Think about and journal your answers to the following reflections:

1. Recognize — Acknowledge what happened without self-condemnation.

2. Reflect — Ask what need or wound drove that decision.

3. Repent — Realign your heart and mind with God's truth.

4. Repair — Reestablish your limits and communicate them clearly.

5. Renew — Seek accountability and replace secrecy with openness.

God never wastes pain. Even broken boundaries can become bridges to deeper wisdom, empathy, and self-respect when surrendered to His grace.

Appendix F – Love Renewal Applications & Practices

Section 1: General Practices

Practice One — Deliberate Courtship

Courtship is not only for the early days. It needs to be ongoing. As much as you can, every week schedule a time of authentic courting — not just on a date at night but a time when you intentionally pursue your spouse for their pleasure, emotional and physical. That pursuit might look like asking what would feel loving this week or planning a small surprise that references an old private joke or simply approaching them with an openness to talk and listen.

I recommend some things: a quiet lengthy breakfast, lunch or dinner together out once a week (without kids and noise and distraction) — in a quiet place rather than a sports bar. Someplace where you can relax, have a latte, enjoy a meal together and just talk to and about each other and connect at a leisurely pace without distraction (no phones and texts either). You can use open ended questions like: "What are you reading these days?" or how about "Been awhile since we had a good talk—How's life goin from your point of view?" No discussion of bills, budgets, problems or maintenance stuff — just things like "how are you feeling about us as a couple?", "what burden are you carrying that I can help with?" — real soul stuff. Take the time, unpack it, really listen, and forge new ways of doing things and supporting each other.

Early in my marriage my wife used to ask me periodically and spontaneously (usually while I was watching TV or reading a book) "Whatcha been thinkin about lately?". At first this used to irritate me. I later wisely, with advice from real friends, considered this a call to inclusion and communication. Over time, I trained myself to avoid short, clipped answers like "Oh nothing much" or "Just some things going on at work", put aside what I was focused on, and turn to some engaging thoughtful conversation. This led to better emotional connection (and much better sex) over time.

Practice Two — Emotional Micro-Connection

Dr. Hendrix and his Imago therapy emphasize the art of attunement. This simple practice is to ask each other sometime during the day "What is one thing you appreciate about me?" and "What's one worry or fear you have today?" or "what's something I can do for you today?" These micro-conversations create repeated small deposits of mutual respect, curiosity and tender concern.

Practice Three — Newness and Novelty

And for gosh sakes keep trying new things together. Step out of your comfort zone and try things the other person wants to try or do. I know many couples who stopped being creative or engaging or adventurous because one of them didn't like something the other did. I hate Golf—but I learned how to do it and did it because the person I loved liked it and it was something we could do, learn and engage in together. I liked sailing and scuba diving. And despite some trepidation (and occasional sea sickness) my partner went along and learned to enjoy it because she knew I did.

Another piece of Texas Grandfatherly advice I learned in my youth is "don't let the mundane rob you of the joyful". Keep venturing and adventuring out into each other's undiscovered country. It will keep you flexible and connected. Get it- Got it- Good!

Try to schedule one novel experience per month that is new to both of you. Novelty triggers dopamine and reminds your brain what it is to explore with a partner. It can be a cooking class, trying a new restaurant, an unusual hike, a music event, or a small creative project. The point is to provide the brain with glimpses of unpredictability in a safe context.

Practice Four — Sexual Intention and Education

Marital sexuality is a learned evolving skill, not simply a routinized pattern or a happenstance—and nobody ever "arrives". Smart couples benefit from learning about each other's rhythms and love languages. They practice asking small questions that invite feedback: "What would make our next night together better for you?" They learn to construct a rhythm — consistent times of intimacy, playful lead-ins, and thoughtful intentionality about environment and mood. And continuously be learning more about what pleases each other. Try different things—get some education (not porn or internet stupidity). Surprise each other occasionally with a romantic spontaneous session (flowers, love notes, special gifts, a night out, a weekend away to someplace new). Something to escape the ordinary and reignite some zest! Basically, something that shows that your covenant partner still excites you and stirs your soul. No matter what the age — Every man wants to feel appreciated (actually adored), and every woman wants to feel cherished (loved uniquely) — and both want to feel special. So, get with it and get creative occasionally. This keeps the romance dance alive...

Practice Five — Repair Rituals

TRUE LOVE couples adopt routines for quick repair after conflict. If a conversation escalates or gets too intense, pause and use an agreed phrase such as "Time out—I want to pause, catch my breath, and come back with thought and care". Former President Richard Nixon, despite his shortcomings, was a great international negotiator. In intense conversation with rivals or foreign adversaries he was in discussion with, he had a slogan he practiced. It was "when the conversation heats up—keep the rhetoric cool!". Don't let things escalate to the yelling stage or name calling or blame fixing. When things get hot — back off — enhance your calm, think about it—then reengage. Reconciliation is not optional; it is a sacramental practice. People who intentionally repair after fights report higher relationship satisfaction.

Practice Six — Shared Spiritual Practices

When couples pray together, read inspirational material together, go to a church, or serve their community together, they reset their shared identity under God reminding themselves that He has sanctified their union and "made the two into one new creation". Theologian Gary Thomas says marriage is not primarily about happiness but connective formation: joining together for shared soul connection to the Divine. Shared spiritual practices create a shared telos.

Practice Seven — Gratitude and Praise

Regularly name specific things you appreciate about each other and your life together. Gratitude rewires attention toward positive behaviors and away from nitpicking. It is cheap to do and carries a high impact. It's a free gift you can give so give generously. Remember Paul's words to "do nothing from empty conceit, but with humility, consider one another as more important than yourselves".

I remember one night after a tough week where my wife of many years and I both were fatigued and tired and feeling mediocre about life — she asked me with a sigh, "Mike do you still love me — really?" for once instead of responding quickly with "of course I do" — I paused and I thought about what she was asking — a cry for validation! So, I took a minute, swallowed hard, looked deep into her eyes and said something like, "walking through life with you my dear is the greatest pleasure any man could ever have". (I actually think it was a line from some old movie). However, the result was amazing. That night produced the best sex in the last prior three years.

Practice Eight — Professional Help as Routine Maintenance

Many couples see a counselor only when they have a crisis. The healthier model is to treat counseling like a "tune-up—not like a tow-truck". Seeing a marriage coach/counselor/therapist for occasional check-ins is wise stewardship of your most precious relationship. And don't demean the value a trained therapist or counselor or coach can bring by labeling them as merely a "shrink" or "soul doctor" — rather consider them as a valued "Thinking partner" that can help you improve your relationship. The really good ones won't tell you what to do — they will draw "what to do" out of you because they know you will follow your own advice better than theirs.

Section 2: A Marriage Renewal Exercise for Rebuilding Connection

Do this if warranted to get a fresh start.

Part One: Identifying the Current State of Your Marriage

Begin by reflecting on where your marriage is right now—not where you wish it were, and not where it once was. Simply name what is true today. In your journal or in the space below, complete the following sentences slowly and thoughtfully:

• "At this stage of our marriage, I most often feel...

• "When I think about our Relationship...

• "One area where we feel disconnected or distant is...

Do not evaluate or explain yet. Simply notice. Gottman's research shows that awareness is the first step toward change. Couples cannot repair what they cannot name.

Part Two: How We Handle Conflict

Now turn your attention to conflict. Think of a recent disagreement, something ordinary, not the biggest issue you've ever faced. Write a brief description of what the conflict was about and how it unfolded. Focus less on the content and more on the process.

As you reflect, ask yourself gently:

When conflict arises, do I tend to move toward my spouse to resolve it, or away from my spouse to protect myself? Do I criticize, defend, shut down, or withdraw?

Terrence Real reminds us that many marriages suffer not because partners are cruel, but because they are afraid of vulnerability. Conflict becomes unsafe when truth is withheld or expressed harshly.

Write one sentence describing how you would like conflict to feel different in your marriage going forward.

Part Three: Emotional Connection and Investment

Next, reflect on emotional connection. Harville Hendrix teaches that couples thrive when they learn to "turn toward" one another rather than away. Answer the following in writing:

• "When I am stressed, overwhelmed, or discouraged, do I instinctively turn toward my spouse for comfort or do I turn elsewhere?"

• "What small daily behaviors help us feel emotionally close?"

• "What behaviors quietly create distance between us?"

Now imagine what intentional investment might look like. Write down one small, repeatable action you could take daily or weekly that would signal emotional availability to your spouse. Keep it simple and sustainable.

Part Four: Trust and Repair

Trust is built—or rebuilt—through consistent repair. Think about whether there are unresolved hurts in your marriage. In writing, answer:

• "Is there a wound, disappointment, or betrayal that still affects how safe I feel emotionally?"

If yes, describe what repair would look like—not what punishment or control would look like, but what restoration would require. Gottman's research shows that trust is rebuilt through predictability, transparency, and responsiveness over time.

If you have been the one who caused hurt, write what taking responsibility would look like in action, not just in words.

Part Five: A 30-Day Renewal Commitment

Renewal does not happen all at once. It happens through faithful repetition. Write one sentence beginning with: "For the next 30 days, one intentional loving action I commit to practicing in our marriage is..."

Choose something realistic. Love grows when practiced consistently, not when promised dramatically.

Close this exercise by writing a brief prayer or intention for your marriage—whether addressed to God, written as a personal commitment, or expressed as hope for the future.

Section 3: A Marriage Repair Script

A Guided Dialogue for Healing After Conflict, Distance, or Hurt

This repair conversation is designed to help couples reconnect after tension, misunderstanding, or emotional distance. It is not meant to determine who is right. Its purpose is to restore safety, understanding, and goodwill. The rationale here is that everyone has a universal desire to be, and feel, heard and understood. This type of conversation gives you a practical dialogue model to use to engender deep understanding as a couple. You may read this script aloud together, take turns reading sections, or adapt the language to sound natural to you.

Choose a quiet time when neither of you is rushed, distracted, or emotionally flooded. If emotions escalate, pause and return later. Repair works best when both partners feel safe enough to be honest.

Opening the Conversation

Begin by affirming the intention of the conversation. One partner might say: "I want us to feel close again. I'm not here to win an argument or assign blame. I want to understand you better and repair whatever distance we're feeling."

The other partner responds: "I'm willing to talk and listen. I want the same thing—to restore connection between us."

This opening matters. According to Gottman's research, the tone of the first few moments of a conversation often predicts how it will end. A gentle start invites cooperation rather than defensiveness.

Step One: The Speaker Shares — The partner listens for understanding

One partner speaks first while the other listens without interrupting. The speaker describes what they experienced using "I" language:

"When this happened, I felt... What mattered most to me in that moment was... What I needed but didn't receive was..."

Avoid diagnosing your spouse's motives. Focus on your internal experience. Terrence Real emphasizes that vulnerability—not accusation—is what softens the other person and invites empathy.

Step Two: The Listener Mirrors and Validates

The listener reflects back what they heard, without correction or rebuttal:

"What I'm hearing you say is that you felt... and that what mattered to you was... Did I get that right?"

If the speaker says no, the listener asks for clarification and mirrors again. When the speaker feels accurately understood, the listener adds validation:

"Given your experience, it makes sense that you would feel that way."

Validation does not mean agreement. It means acknowledging the reality of the other person's inner world.

Step Three: Empathy and Ownership

The listener now expresses empathy:

"I get it—I can see how that would be painful. I'm sorry for the part I played in that."

If appropriate, the listener names personal responsibility:

"One thing I can own is... how that affected you."

Repair deepens when responsibility is taken without qualification or explanation.

Step Four: Switching Roles

Now the roles are reversed. The listener becomes the speaker and shares their experience using the same structure. The original speaker listens, mirrors, validates, and empathizes.

This reciprocity restores balance and prevents the conversation from becoming one-sided.

Step Five: Reconnection and Forward Movement

After both have been heard and feel that they have been understood and validated — the couple turns toward the future.

One partner asks: "What would help us feel more connected after this?"

The other responds with one small, specific request. Avoid global or grand promises. Focus on one actionable change that can be accomplished starting now and in a reasonable amount of time.

Close the conversation with appreciation:

"Thank you for staying in this conversation with me. It means a lot."

If you want to put icing on the cake you just baked — express some gratitude for knowing, being in relationship with and being loved by the other partner — something like "Being married to you is the greatest delight in my life" or "it's a privilege to walk through life with you" — you get the idea!

Gottman notes that successful repair conversations end not with resolution of every issue, but with restored goodwill and emotional safety.

Using This Script Over Time

This script is not meant to be used once and forgotten. Couples who practice structured repair develop emotional resilience. Over time, conversations become easier, shorter, and more natural. Repair becomes a habit rather than an emergency response.

If you find yourselves stuck or overwhelmed, invite a counselor to guide you through this process until it feels safe and familiar.

Section 4: Some Additional Tools for Marriage Renewal

Tool #1 — The Marriage Renewal Plan: A Practical "Jumpstart" Roadmap

If your marriage has grown stale, or tedious, or just plain boring and routine — below is a self-coaching plan you can use over 90 days to "jump start" a better connection. I got this from one of the best marriage "Thinking Partners" I know and he has had great success with it. It is written as narrative instructions a couple can follow together, not a checklist.

The Process: Begin by agreeing to a ninety-day shared focus. Choose a quiet time to read this plan together and ask God to help you be honest and generous.

Week One — Assessment and Agreement

Together, identify three areas where you feel disconnected. Speak them aloud without blame. Acknowledge what you miss about your "early days". Make an agreement to work together for 90 days, committing to five non-negotiable practices: a weekly date, daily two-minute check-ins, a repair phrase, one novel activity per month, and a shared spiritual practice. Get agreement and write the five on a card and keep it visible.

Weeks 2-8 — Daily and Weekly Practices

Every day, have a two-minute meaningful check-in: share one thing you appreciated today and one thing that worried you. This builds micro-connection. Once a week, have a date that prioritizes emotional connection conversation over organizational or "routine maintenance" talk. Keep the date sacred. Use the Imago dialogue method in five-minute turns: the listener mirrors what was said, validates, and empathizes before responding. When conflict escalates, use the repair phrase and take a 20-minute pause, then return to the issue. Choose one novel activity each month to reset the dopamine in your "noodles".

Weeks 8-12 — Deep Repair and Intimacy

If there are past wounds, schedule three structured conversations (with Thinking Partner support if necessary) to process meaningfully. For sexual renewal, write a mutual "desire letter" that includes curiosities and boundaries; exchange them privately and then discuss them with some tenderness. Start a joint spiritual discipline—scripture reading, prayer, or an act of service—and reflect weekly on how it's affecting the marriage.

End of Week 12 — Evaluate and Continue

On day 90, celebrate what has changed. Reassess your needs, renew your five non-negotiables, and decide whether to retain or keep a Thinking Partner for regular maintenance. Express appreciation publicly in a small ritual that recognizes your growth.

Tool #2 — Some Additional Exercises and Reflections (If You Just Need a "Tune Up" Instead of a Jumpstart)

Below are exercises you can do when you want to be creative and escape from the ordinary with your partner. They can help you reorient and refresh as needed. Try a couple of them out and I bet they become a spontaneous and regular part of your "Marital Tune ups". You can each write them out on a clean page or use them as prompts in a journal.

Exercise — The Appreciation Inventory

Each partner lists ten things they appreciate about the other that they tend to have taken for granted. Be specific: name times, actions, or patterns. Share them aloud and do not interrupt each other. Let the words land. Keep a copy in a common place and re-read it monthly.

Exercise — The Wound Map

Individually, each partner writes down two recurring hurts in the marriage and the likely unmet need behind them. Share them in the presence of a thinking partner or safe friend if needed. The goal is not to assign guilt but to identify patterns and unmet needs. After sharing, each partner says, "Help me understand," and the listener reflects back what they heard. Use the Imago technique if you can practice it.

Exercise — Sexual Curiosity Letter

Each spouse writes a letter describing one curiosity, one boundary, and one gratitude related to their sexual relationship (be honest and vulnerable here—risky but worth it). Exchange letters privately, then schedule a tender conversation where you ask clarifying questions with curiosity and affirmation. This can be both interesting and fun if communicated in the right spirit of improvement and contribution.

Exercise — Daily Micro-Pilgrimage

For 21 days, each partner takes a ten-minute walk alone to pray or reflect on gratitude for the spouse. Bring back one small, concrete act to perform for the other that day — a cup of tea, an unexpected text, a foot rub—something personal the other might enjoy.

Appendix G – Sexual Renewal & Integrity Guide

A Practical Path Back to Clarity, Alignment, and Real Love

This appendix is designed as a guided reflection and action tool. It is not about guilt or perfection. It is about awareness, direction, and steady progress toward the kind of life and love you truly want to live.

SECTION 1 – A Reflection Worksheet for Personal Awareness

Reframing Desire and Returning to Real Love

Take your time with this section. Write honestly. No one else needs to see your answers unless you choose to share them.

Part 1 — Honest Awareness

1. What patterns or habits am I currently struggling with? (Be specific without judgment.)

2. When do these patterns most often occur? (Time of day, emotional state, environment)

3. What am I usually feeling just before I engage in these behaviors? (Loneliness, stress, boredom, anxiety, desire, etc.)

Part 2 — Understanding the Driver

1. What am I actually seeking in those moments? (Connection, comfort, relief, validation, escape, etc.)

2. How does this behavior affect me afterward?

   • Emotionally:

   • Mentally:

   • Relationally:

Part 3 — Realignment

1. What kind of person do I truly want to become in this area of my life?

2. What would aligned behavior look like for me?

Part 4 — One Step Forward

1. What is one realistic step I can take this week?

Closing Reflection

Growth begins with honesty and moves forward with intention. You are not defined by past patterns, but by the direction you choose next.

SECTION 2 – A Sexual Integrity Reset Plan

A Practical Framework for Change

This section helps you translate awareness into action. The goal is not perfection, but building new patterns that support clarity, connection, and integrity.

Step 1 — Interrupt the Pattern

When the urge arises:

• Pause — take deep breath and set your mind to consider. Do not act immediately — this is a moment of truth (MOT) for you. Create space between impulse and action.

• Ask yourself: What am I actually needing right now?

Step 2 — Replace, Don't Just Remove

Patterns don't disappear—they are replaced by substituting one set of thoughts with another. Choose one or two alternative actions you will use:

• Go for a walk—get up—move your body

• Call or text someone you trust — talk about something else

• Change your environment — go get some water, move into another space—just move

• Engage in a focused task — switch to something else that engages your mind

• Physical reset (exercise, cold water, movement)

My go-to replacement action: ____________________

Step 3 — Manage Your Environment

Make the pattern harder to access:

• Reduce unstructured, private screen time

• Use content filters if needed

• Avoid known trigger environments

• Create structured routines

One environment change I will implement: ____________________

Step 4 — Address the Root

Most patterns are not about sex—they are about something underneath.

What do I most often need in these moments?

• Connection

• Stress relief

• Emotional comfort

• Purpose or engagement

• Rest

How I will meet this need in a healthier way: ____________________

Step 5 — Build Forward Momentum

Track progress, not perfection.

If you stumble:

1. Pause. Take deep breath and regroup.

2. Reset. Start again with a renewed mindset.

3. Move forward. Take different actions (and congratulate yourself) for doing it.

Step 6 — Reframe Identity

Write this in your own words: I am becoming someone who...

Step 7 — Stay Connected

Isolation fuels patterns. Connection weakens them.

Who can support me in this process?

Friend / Mentor / Group / Counselor: ____________________

Final Principle

Real change happens when you move from managing behavior to reshaping patterns, thinking, and identity. Make each MOT count—you are rewiring your brain to a more productive pattern of thinking — and it will get easier to think and act more correctly in line with your noble values.

SHIFT Framework Worksheet

This worksheet will help you apply the SHIFT Framework to your own life transition. Reflect on each step, write down your thoughts, and revisit them as you navigate change.

S — Surrender: What role, routine, or season am I releasing? What emotions do I feel as I let go?

H — Hope: What future possibilities, promise, or vision can I anchor myself to in this season?

I — Identify: Who am I apart from my roles and titles? What values and strengths endure across seasons?

F — Focus: What one direction aligns with my values right now? How can I simplify my options?

T — Take Action: What small, practical step will I take this week to move forward?

7-Day Challenge to Put the SHIFT Framework into Practice

Use this 7-day challenge to put the SHIFT framework into practice. Each day gives you one small action to take. Check off each box when completed.

Appendix I – Legacy Exercises and Worksheets

The LEGACY Framework Worksheet

How to Use This Tool:

This worksheet is meant to be a map of your influence. Take out a journal or a blank sheet of clean white paper. Begin by drawing a simple diagram: write your name in the middle of the page, then draw five circles around it labeled Family, Friends, Work, Community, Faith. In each circle, list two or three names of people you see or influence regularly. These are your "first field" of legacy.

Now move through the LEGACY acronym step by step:

• L — Locate: You've just identified where your presence is already felt.

• E — Establish: Write three words you want to be remembered for (kind, generous, truthful, courageous—whatever is authentic to you). Circle those words.

• G — Give: Pick one consistent action you can practice with each group—something repeatable like a weekly call, a family meal, or a habit of sending encouragement.

• A — Apprentice: Choose one person you will intentionally invite closer to watch how you live and lead.

• C — Compose: Start a page in your journal titled "My Lessons." Every week or two, jot down a short story or principle you've learned.

• Y — Yield: Write a short prayer or affirmation acknowledging that you cannot control results—you can only be faithful.

You can return to this worksheet monthly to add new names, refine values, and check your progress. It is meant to be a living document that evolves as you do.

The GIVE Method Worksheet

How to Use This Tool:

The GIVE method—Guide, Inspire, Validate, Equip—is designed to help you shape meaningful conversations with others. When you finish a phone call, a coffee with a mentee, or even a casual chat with a coworker, pause and ask: Did I give something lasting?

On this worksheet or on a blank journal page, use some space to reflect on recent conversations. Write down the person's name, then note one way you Guided them (perhaps by sharing a principle or offering perspective). Next, jot down how you Inspired them—did you name a strength or call out potential? Then write if you Validated their feelings and affirmed their worth. Finally, note how you Equipped them—did you leave them with a tool, a practice, or a next step?

If you find a column empty, don't feel guilty. This isn't a checklist to hit every time. It's a guide to help you grow in balance. Over time, you'll notice patterns. Maybe you Guide well but forget to Validate. Maybe you Inspire often but rarely Equip. Let the worksheet help you adjust your conversations so they become more holistic expressions of love.

Readers should revisit this tool weekly. You can use it as sort of a mirror to their style of influence. It works beautifully when paired with journaling—simply record your GIVE reflections at the end of each day or week.

The Legacy Letter Guide

How to Use This Tool:

Legacy letters are one of the most powerful ways to capture your love and wisdom in words that will endure. On the page provided, you'll find prompts for each section: Affirmation, Story, Lesson, Blessing, and Presence. You can either write directly in the book, or draft in your own journal, and later copy onto special paper or cards for those you love.

Begin with Affirmation: Pick a person you interact with frequently. Write two or three sentences about what you see in the person - their character, their strengths, their unique beauty.

Move to Story: Recall a specific memory that captures who they are or how much they mean to you.

In Lesson: Offer one insight from your own life that you want to pass on, something you wish someone had told you earlier.

In Blessing: Speak your hopes and prayers for their future.

And in Presence: Remind them that you are there for them in good times and bad.

AFFIRMATION:

STORY:

LESSON:

BLESSING:

PRESENCE:

After writing, set the letter aside for a day. Then read it aloud to yourself. Listening will help you catch any awkward phrasing and will also show you how powerful these words sound. Finally, decide how you want to deliver it: in person (most powerful), by mail, or as a surprise tucked into a book or card.

This exercise can be repeated for different people in your life. Over time, you may build a whole "collection" of legacy letters.

Weekly Legacy Reflection Planner

How to Use This Tool:

This planner is meant to anchor your week with some intentional acts of love. Once a week — Sunday evening works well, or Monday morning before the week begins — set aside 10-15 minutes with a pen and this worksheet or in a journal page.

Start by asking this: Who will I intentionally invest in this week? Write down one or two names.

Then ask, What small act of love will I practice consistently? Choose something realistic: a note, a phone call, a shared meal—and write it in.

Then ask, Where do I need to repair? Is there someone you offended, reacted to, ignored, or drifted from? Jot their name and note one small step of reconciliation (a text, an apology, an invitation, etc.).

Finally, ask, What story am I writing with my actions this week? Write one sentence about the legacy you are shaping right now in the present.

There is space for notes at the bottom of the page. Use this to jot reflections as the week unfolds. At week's end, return to the planner. Circle what you completed. Write one sentence about what you learned. Then turn the page and plan again for the coming week.

This rhythm, repeated over time, shapes habits that naturally build legacy. The planner turns good intentions into steady action.

WHO WILL I INVEST IN THIS WEEK?

WHAT IS MY ACT OF LOVE?

WHERE DO I REPAIR?

WHAT STORY AM I WRITING THIS WEEK?

Source: True Love by Michael Hunter – Appendix A–I (Pathfinder Learning)